English translation · Reader alias: WeiguangRead the Chinese original ↗
Echo correspondenceNO. 04
To / For Airing
From Weiguang
A next step when the way is unclear
Reader alias · Weiguang
NO. 04Letter
Weiguang to Airing
Hello, Airing,
I kept trying to think of an opening that would not sound stiff, and so kept putting off writing. Suddenly half a year had passed since I last really wanted to send you an email. I decided, “Just write it, who cares.” So here I am, writing in a small interview cubicle at work. It is cramped, enclosed and without daylight, yet holds a remarkably thriving pothos plant.
Come to think of it, I have been reading your words and code for years. Seeing your writing feels like meeting you, so perhaps we already know each other a little.
[Self-introduction, name and career history removed.]
I am writing partly because I want to know someone who seems to live with a clarity I admire, and partly to describe how profoundly lost I feel. I have never faced so much uncertainty, both around me and within myself. I do not know what I want, or what I could give up for it. This is unlike anything in my past year-end reflections. I have read many books and tried many experiments, but inside I remain a fog I cannot see through.
About work: in September, after reading “Goodbye, Midsummer,” I sent it to a friend and asked how it made him feel. He said his strongest feeling was sadness. The freedom between the lines, and the longing for an uncertain future, were things he might never experience. Seeing someone live that way made him examine the little world that held him captive.
But right now, even that examination is difficult for me. If I step back just a little, I know I am caught inside one enormous mistake. Yet I cannot find the motivation to pull myself out.
I deeply relate to the line, “The main reason I chose programming as a career is that creating through programming has given me the purest joy.” That is why I became a developer too, why I fought so hard to enter the field without a computing degree. But over the past year or two, that feeling has almost vanished. The excitement, warmth and real joy of coding feel like a dream from another century.
I have tried looking for other jobs and a different environment, but nothing suitable has appeared. I cannot choose among the few options I have, so I remain where I am.
This has turned into rambling again. Still, I am glad to meet you.
[Specific products and personal interests removed.]
I never expected this email to sit in my drafts across the turn of a year. I should send it after all. Here comes 2025. I hope it brings you closer to the life you want.
NO. 04Reply
Airing to Weiguang
Happy New Year, Weiguang. It is good to hear from you.
It is the first day of the Lunar New Year. The whole of [city removed] feels deserted, and I am writing to you from a quiet, empty bookshop.
I am sorry for replying so late. Family matters and project work took so much energy over the past month that I could not settle down to write. Reading your words now feels like looking at pages torn from a diary of my own, and finding courage and strength in them again.
Over the past few months, I have gradually realized that we do not have to “see through the fog” before moving forward. Sometimes we only need to acknowledge it and take a few steps within it. This is not a race; it is an exploration.
I used to be terrified of staying in the same place in the fog, every day, every minute, every second. I tried desperately to hold on to passing time, studying and working furiously to find a way out and seize something “certain” within the uncertainty. Only after coming through it did I realize that what frightened me was not uncertainty itself, but standing still. I was always chasing the future. Whenever I caught it, it lost its value in my hands, and I chased another elusive future until I was exhausted.
Yet uncertainty is not frightening in itself, nor is failure. What matters is our attitude toward the fog: enjoying the challenge, the exploration and everything in the present. Cultivate your character. “It is not the goal that makes you who you are, but every step you take toward it.” The right direction lies in the process of approaching a goal, rather than reaching it: walking toward the inn, not entering it; pursuing the crown, not possessing it.
You seem to be the opposite of me. You know what you like and love, and what you should pursue. Perhaps fear makes it difficult to give up what you have from the past, leaving you hesitating in place and unable to recognize what your heart wants now.
Perhaps try returning to the smallest starting point: find a small project that lets you enjoy programming for its own sake. [Project example tied to personal interests removed.] Put aside grand words like “career” and “industry” for a while. Simply do something you love, for your own pleasure.
A few days ago I was watching The Tale of Rose. The series closes with a poem, and I would like to share it with you too:
The world lies before me, leading wherever I wish to go. From now on I no longer pursue happiness; I myself am happiness.