English translation · Reader alias: YanxiaRead the Chinese original ↗
Echo correspondenceNO. 10
Second exchange / For Airing
From Yanxia
Must the things I love be cost-effective too?
Reader alias · Yanxia
NO. 10Letter
Yanxia to Airing
I was so happy to receive your reply!
Honestly, these past few years have felt rather aimless, a little like university. When I look back, memories of secondary school and even primary school come one after another; I remember plenty from working at [company removed] after graduation too. Yet university and [city and length of residence removed] have left fewer vivid memories. Perhaps those days were too uneventful. I can leave work on time and have much more free time, but after the subway ride home I sit at my computer feeling drained. I play a game or watch some videos, and the day is gone. Occasionally I try to focus on something, but one tired evening sends me back to games. It repeats, and suddenly so much time has passed.
If I were content and free of anxiety, this would be a very leisurely life. But that is not how it feels.
I have always believed in the power of our surroundings. The atmosphere at work has changed a lot recently. A once-friendly team is increasingly full of office politics. Although I am mostly an observer, I feel more pressure and anxiety. What frightens me most? It sounds silly: people thinking I am bad at things. In every respect. More plainly, it is a longstanding flaw of mine: wanting to save face. Admitting that itself feels embarrassing. Being able to say it is progress, perhaps. Haha.
I have recently started something I truly want to do, though it has nothing to do with my job: writing a novel. I have wanted to since high school; you could call it a dream. I am not very good with words. Previously I wrote [word count removed] in fits and starts, decided it was terrible and threw it all away. Only recently have I begun again. From a practical perspective, putting time and energy into this is hardly cost-effective, especially with no particular talent for it. Yet it is one of the few things I really love.
I have also often thought of [former shared home and identifying details of daily life removed]. Looking back, I felt no anxiety about the future then. How did I manage that? Haha. Perhaps anticipation was part of it. In secondary school I looked forward to university; at university, to graduation; at [company removed], to a better tomorrow. But after those fresh stages pass, life becomes repetitive. Moving forward no longer takes you where you want to go: you circle in place, or even move the wrong way. How can you keep believing tomorrow will be better? Losing that anticipation may be another important source of anxiety.
Starting your business must bring plenty of worries, but it must also feel wonderful: a group of people, full of confidence, in a little room building an app from scratch! Time is not only the present and future. The past has weight and substance too. You mentioned being afraid of time slipping away; I feel that as well. Sometimes at bedtime I want to work a little longer, to make it less likely that someone will think I am incompetent. Haha, I am sure that is not your reason. But perhaps we have not only turned our game into a Souls-like; we have put a time limit on every level. What a trap.
Brother, do you ever fear this: you have grown and advanced quickly, ahead of those around you, but if something turns out to be meaningless—standing still or moving the wrong way—will it waste the lead you built in earlier laps, or disrupt the pace you should be keeping? Would that make you anxious? Even someone as ordinary as me, nowhere near as accomplished as you, feels that sometimes. Embarrassing to admit, haha. But life is not a race, nor the journey romantics describe. I think it is a game, a program. If your business succeeds, people will say, “Of course.” If it fails, they will say the same. If the teachers’ instruction to “make excellence a habit” is one level, perhaps the next is not suffering during the time when you are not being excellent. I wonder whether the state of mind you seek includes that.
Haha, as the saying goes, the person you see in others is yourself. What I have said to you sounds more like something I am telling myself. I am not as accomplished as you, but I believe my wish to write a good novel is much like your wish to make MoFlow and your future apps well. It goes beyond doing something to gain recognition: it is like finding an anchor in an immense sea. “An excellent programmer advancing quickly at a large company” is an honorable title. But “the creator of a particular app” sounds much more distinctively your own.
NO. 10Reply
Airing to Yanxia
Hello,
As you say, starting a business brings worries, but I especially love the feeling of people working enthusiastically toward one goal. Perhaps daily life is too plain and work too dull, and we need something we love to give them variety. The empty, boring evenings you describe can make life less memorable. So I think writing a novel is interesting and very cool. If possible, I would love to read some chapters early.
Your mention of anticipation reminds me of a Bilibili video about Animal Crossing (BV1bT4y1575M). Near the end it suggests that, as we go through life, we look forward to tomorrow a little less. It has been a long time since we wanted to fall asleep quickly, as children do, so the next day could arrive. During this business venture, I have looked forward to waking up and continuing to develop features, to the app passing review, to someone paying or giving feedback, to seeing more interesting products. It has been tiring, but fulfilling.
I used to plan my life carefully, expecting to reach every step and milestone on schedule: when I would reach [job level removed], when I would reach [job level removed]. If a deadline approached and the goal looked out of reach, I became anxious and frightened. [Specific departure timing and promotion details removed.] I wanted to leave; I did not want my life’s rhythm disrupted. You are right: that lead came from my planning, and I valued it. For a long time, I therefore assessed the ROI of everything I did. If something did not help my development, I would find a way to decline it; if it did, I would find a way to pursue it. Anxiety and unease accompanied me throughout. After achieving a goal, I would feel empty, so I could only stop, plan the next goal and begin striving again.
“Life is not a marathon.” But I also want to say, “Life is not an open wilderness.”
Among endless choices, whether we follow a plan or wander through that wilderness, time is the same for every one of us. After we choose, there is only one path we actually take. If we can choose only one and cannot see the future of the other roads, it is not really an open wilderness either.
Whatever value we assign to choices or time, time passes as usual. And that supposed value is only an assessment made by our present self, at this moment, from a limited perspective and within a broad set of values. We do not know whether our choices will ultimately be good or bad. Something that seems pointless now may help us greatly later. Most of the meaningless things I have experienced eventually proved meaningful.
Or perhaps, in the end, a choice really will be bad.
But what of it?
I recently read a book called I May Be Wrong. It speaks of learning to dance with life rather than trying to control it. Life is full of chance and surprises. We need to leave some room for miracles; perhaps that is how we recover the anticipation life needs.
Life is about experience. I hope I can welcome every feeling, make room for whatever happens, and bring my attention to awareness of the present. To learn through experience and grow freely. To stop worrying about others’ opinions or seeking validation from shared values, and pursue what I want within. That is the state I am working toward. I am still very far from it, but I want to keep moving toward that way of being.
And apart from writing, you could get out and enjoy yourself too. Feeling the sun, experiencing nature and meeting different people can be wonderful!