From Shiqing

Airing, hello.

I recently started reading blogs, and followed links from other people's sites until I found yours. I have read all your annual reviews and some of the monthly posts. I am in a period of confusion and uncertainty, and hope to hear your thoughts and advice. I really appreciate the insight and wisdom in your writing, so I am taking the liberty of writing in the hope that you might offer some inspiration and help.

Let me briefly introduce myself: I am a university student, 〔year of study, region, university category and specific subject withheld〕. I am a textbook example of a small-town student trained to do well in exams. Throughout 〔specific length of schooling withheld〕, all I have known is solving exam questions. I know nothing about what lies beyond them: living, making friends, dreaming. And because I now spend all my time outside class playing games, even my ability to answer exam questions is slipping away. With graduation season approaching, I have started thinking about what I might do after graduating. Because I dislike school and lack confidence in my academic ability, my current plan is to find work after my bachelor's degree. Many of my past choices have been made this way: eliminating what I dislike most, which means I do not necessarily like the option left over. Making a decision by elimination is easy for me, but I have found that this way of choosing makes me increasingly dislike my own life.

Reading many people's blogs recently has convinced me of the value of producing something, so I want to start writing regularly too. But when I open a document to write, I find that I do not care about my choices, my life, or even my thoughts. I do not know when this began, but I am aware of it now. I prepared for the university entrance exam because that was what my surroundings demanded. I chose this university and subject because I imagined they would make me money, and at university I have been content just to pass. Yet when I look back at all I have done, then and now, I have no thoughts about any of it. I do not know how to describe it: it does not matter; it is all the same. This state now leaves me unable to take an interest in anything. I have tried learning an instrument, drawing, traveling, and buying a Switch to play games I had wanted for a long time. But even when I achieve or acquire something, I feel no emotional movement. I no longer feel happy.

This is not the first time I have experienced this. In the past, however, I treated Rilke's words—

“I want to ask you, as best I can, to be patient with everything unresolved in your heart, and to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms or books written in an unfamiliar language. Do not seek answers now that cannot yet be given to you, because you could not yet live them. Everything must be lived. For now, live in the questions.”

—as a guiding principle, and so I have continued living in this confusion and indifference. But I now find that staying in this fog for so long has made it impossible for me to take another step, because I keep telling myself that everywhere in the fog is the same. I am not afraid of being inadequate. I am afraid that I may no longer be able to improve. Yet I need to improve now if I am to achieve my goals.

I originally intended to ask for advice about study and work, but the more I write, the more I realize that I do not care about my choices, cannot feel my emotions, and prevent myself from making an effort unless it is absolutely necessary. This leaves me distressed and confused.

I am not in a good state. If my negative, dispirited words have made you uncomfortable, I sincerely apologize. I hope for your understanding and guidance.