Leave a place for your own wishes within the expected path.
01 Reading notes
The expected next step also deserves a question.
Qingyu’s letter began with a dinner at work. People talked about settling down, their children’s education and plans for the future. The subjects were practical, yet prompted a question: if almost all of one generation’s life goes into preparing the next generation’s, where does a life of one’s own belong? The reader admired those sacrifices and also felt uneasy about a path that seemed to repeat.
“Excellence” in this letter was not only high marks or strong work performance. It also included a widely approved sequence: establish yourself in a city, take on more responsibility and secure opportunities for the next generation. Each step can make sense on its own. Together, they can make it easy to forget to ask whether you want the whole path and the costs it requires.
I do not want to turn the reader’s observations into a judgment of other people’s families. A conversation cannot tell us all of a person’s wishes or choices. Some truly want to devote much of themselves to their children; others hope for a different life. What held my attention was the reader beginning to question their own direction, not having proved that anyone else’s life lacked meaning.
My response was to acknowledge that a person also needs to live for themselves. In the original discussion of financial pressures and burdens, this did not mean cancelling responsibilities to others. It meant not skipping over whether a major choice is bearable, wanted, or likely to change everyday life. Even an admired goal needs to pass through those considerations.
If you are approaching a goal that everyone regards as obligatory, try replacing “should” with a more concrete question: what would my days be like after I reached it? Which parts do I look forward to, and which am I accepting mainly to avoid disappointing someone? You need not reject the path immediately. At least let your own answer enter the discussion.
Each of us is here to live our own life first; only then can we consider other things.Open this letter
02 Reading notes
Look for your own measure in the days you actually live.
My reply did not remain an abstract discussion of life. I first described my work at the time: a heavy workload, one round of tasks after another, and a growing feeling that little was accumulating. My monthly publication had paused too. That daily experience could coexist with a résumé and apparent progress that looked fine from the outside.
I compared it to endlessly pushing stones. It was not that no project offered anything to learn. Learning also required time and energy to look back at what I had done. When tasks filled the whole day, a theoretical opportunity for growth did not necessarily become actual understanding. That distinction mattered more to me than simply proving I could take on more work.
Later, I said I wanted to leave, prepared for interviews and received another offer. After discussions, I stayed, in an arrangement better suited to learning across roles. That outcome belonged to a particular situation. It cannot become a method that guarantees adjustment whenever someone threatens to resign. But it shows that the change I was seeking concerned my working days, not only a more impressive title.
Looking back, I can make my own measure more specific: can I learn something new, find enough room to reflect, and finish with a sense that something has accumulated? Someone else’s answer may be stability, caring for family or more time outside work. What matters is describing the goal through real daily life, rather than leaving it at the abstract wish to be “better.”
You could look back at the past week and identify one moment when your time felt well spent, and another that persistently drained you. There is no need to rank them by prestige first. They may suggest a question about everyday life that you need to ask the next time you compare opportunities, alongside the conditions other people can easily see.
Yes, people say there is something to learn from any project, but surely you need time and energy to reflect as well.Open this letter
03 Reading notes
Say what you want. See what it would cost.
In the original reply, I described my own feelings about having children and not wanting an overly exhausting or meaningless life. This was a personal position in a private exchange, with a particular time and context. Sharing it here does not decide whether anyone else should start a family. It preserves room for the person concerned to think seriously about a major life choice.
Considering your wishes also means considering how they meet reality. A decision affecting a partner, family or existing responsibilities needs conversation. A wish requiring money or time needs preparation. Including those conditions does not make the wish less sincere. It gives it a chance to become a life you are willing to take responsibility for, rather than remaining a sentence about what you want.
The reply ended with thoughts about freedom and an attached film or television screenshot. I have preserved that quotation and the hope I felt, without treating a line of dialogue as the answer to a complex problem. Caring less about approval does not instantly remove pressure. Sometimes the first task is to distinguish expectations worth responding to from opinions that need not decide everything for us.
If living as you wish is not possible yet, I do not want to call that a lack of courage. You can begin with a smaller decision that is genuinely yours: make time for something you care about, explain a commitment you no longer want to continue, or speak seriously with someone important about your plans. Change can involve preparation and a sequence of steps.
I hope both Qingyu and I can retain room to choose. That hope does not promise that every choice will satisfy us. It reminds me to return to a question when outside standards grow louder: why am I willing to live this way? An answer that can name both desire and cost comes closer to the honesty I want than continually proving that I meet everyone’s expectations.
I hope both you and I can be free.Open this letter