Hear your own reluctance before deciding what to do with it.
01 Reading notes
First, name the actual conflict.
When Xishi wrote to me, the work had already changed. The difficulty was not simply a heavy workload or a temporary lack of energy. The new content held little interest, and some of the values involved felt clearly unacceptable. Alongside asking how to change that attitude, Xishi added that a job search was already underway. Both details matter if we are to understand the weight of the question.
I did not begin by teaching someone to stay positive. Unless we first understand the source of that resistance, it is easy to fit every workplace conflict into one explanation: “My attitude is the problem.” Whether the tasks fit, whether the values align, and whether the environment is persistently draining deserve separate attention. That single explanation can make all of them disappear.
In my own experience, people had also urged me to stay in my job: a different attitude, they said, could give me the life I wanted. I thought seriously about it and wondered whether I had judged the situation too harshly. But that reflection did not automatically lead me to stay. The more clearly I tried to describe my feelings, the more I needed to acknowledge that some things really were unacceptable to me.
So I want to make a broad question smaller: what happened recently that most clearly made you want to avoid work? Was it the task itself, a practice you had to accept to carry it out, or the people involved? These questions extend the thinking in the reply. They cannot decide for you, but they can give your next conversation something specific to address.
Being specific also makes room for change. A responsibility may be negotiable, while a long-standing expectation may not shift. Temporary exhaustion and a persistent conflict of values may need different responses. Saying only that you lack motivation gives little indication of what to ask for, or from whom. Identifying the difficulty makes it possible to judge whether an adjustment actually addresses it.
I thought about that view for a long time. I even wondered whether the real problem was my own attitude.Open this letter
02 Reading notes
An explanation can make sense and still leave you unwilling.
In the reply, I listed several explanations I could use to persuade myself: perhaps the poor team atmosphere was only my subjective impression; perhaps one more attempt would turn the business around. Those explanations were not necessarily all wrong. What stopped me was realizing that I kept using them to dissolve my reluctance, without seriously asking what kind of daily life I wanted.
I cannot know what the paths I did not take would have brought. Staying might have gained me more; continuing the business might have led to a breakthrough. Because I did not live those possibilities, I cannot present either as a certain outcome. Yet a choice has to be made in the present. I cannot wait for every possibility to be proved before allowing myself to leave a way of life.
By principles, I mean what I am and am not willing to accept in a particular situation. It might be a practice I cannot participate in, or a level of prolonged strain I can no longer bear. Naming that limit does not require me to prove my feelings more correct than someone else’s. It gives them a real place among the conditions of the decision.
My wording then was direct: if you dislike something, you dislike it; if you cannot accept it, you cannot accept it. I still want to preserve the permission in that sentence, without turning it into another demand. Acknowledging what you do not want and having the ability to change your circumstances today are separate matters. The first should not disappear just because the second is not yet possible.
If you keep telling yourself to endure a little longer, try finishing the thought: what am I accepting for now, what am I receiving in exchange, and for how long? Your answer may still be to stay. But it will be a period of waiting in which you know what you are giving up, and can more clearly notice when the reasons for waiting have changed.
If you dislike something, you dislike it; if you cannot accept it, you cannot accept it. Know where your principles and limits lie, instead of compromising blindly, over and over.Open this letter
03 Reading notes
Let the next change account for real constraints.
In that same reply, I acknowledged that everyone has constraints, and that even one person’s limits can change with their circumstances. Living costs, people who need care and the opportunities currently available all affect how much change someone can bear. Telling another person to follow their heart does not mean I can take responsibility for the consequences of their departure.
The possibilities I offered Xishi included adjusting what felt acceptable, placing more weight on income for a while, asking for different responsibilities, and leaving. They were not ranked by courage. What matters is the problem each option addresses: a change of responsibilities might alter the work itself, while more income may do little to ease resistance to its content.
If you want to try a conversation first, I would begin with one specific conflict and explain which responsibilities or support you hope could change. Then look for an arrangement that can actually be put into practice. This takes the original reply a step further. Someone’s willingness to discuss the problem is different from a change happening, so the subsequent work still needs attention.
If staying is the only feasible option now, you can set a time to look again. Is the income or experience you chose it for still worthwhile? Have other opportunities progressed? Has the hardest part become worse? The purpose is not to reopen the decision painfully every day. It is to keep a temporary choice from becoming an indefinite commitment without another thought.
At the end of the original reply, I strongly encouraged Xishi to trust the choice. In revisiting that encouragement, I want to ground it in honesty: see both what you want and what you can currently bear, without denying a conflict to prove that you have a good attitude. A choice may carry costs. You can still know which real difficulty this change is meant to address.
Of course, everyone has different principles. Even the same person’s limits can change as their circumstances change.Open this letter